That's The Book For Me

                You’re not supposed to feel smug, I know.  Sometimes I can’t help myself.  But hey, usually it’s someone else’s fault.  People like Steve Colbert.  For instance, like when I watched Colbert’s interview of Congressman Westmoreland.  Having sponsored a bill to have the 10 commandments put up in the House and Senate, Westmoreland explains how they are important for our nation to keep its sense of direction.  We’ve all heard such homage given to the commandments; how those ten sentences are fundamental and essential to our moral fiber personally, socially and nationally.  But when Colbert asks Westmoreland to recite the 10 commandments, the Congress man can only come up with don’t murder, don’t lie, and don’t steal.  Perverse, I know, but how I gloated.  It’s just that these sorts of empty shibboleths piss me off.

                Having grown up very religious, I was read stories from the Bible every night since before I could remember.  And when I was about age 11, I took my parents’ advice and read the Bible for myself nearly every day for years and years.  There is no question that reading the Bible and praying daily was the cornerstone of how my parents raised me up in the Lord.  Tensions in my family rose when I had kids of my own and I wasn’t reading them Bible stories or even encouraging them to do so on their own.  How else will they know what’s right and wrong?  At times I want to channel Colbert and ask back, You can’t think of any other way a kid might know what’s right and wrong other than reading an ancient text?  However, being smug while watching U-tube is one thing, but being so with your family whom you dearly love despite your differences, is another thing entirely.  Well, truth is, I try to be civil and charitable and sometimes I believe I even succeed.  But that’s beside the point.

                Read and pray daily is its own shibboleth or mantra for Christians to grow in their pilgrimage.  I have no doubt that this may be true for countless people, but I simply don’t see it for kids.  As I see it, the Bible is ‘R’ rated.  It should have a little box on the cover in which it states R-rated for graphic violence, strong sexual content, nudity, and adult themes.

                I know there are hundreds of versions of Bible stories for kids, but they are either inappropriate, or else reading them is a bit like reading The Scarlet Letter with the theme of adultery edited out.  I suppose from the point of view of these writers of children stories, it is a very convenient way to strip the stories of their content, leaving an empty vessel in which they can pour whatever meaning they see fit.  In my humble opinion, stories should speak for themselves. 

                Let me run through some of the good ‘ol stories that we want our kids to be molded by.  And hey, why not start from the beginning?  First there was God and he was hovering over some water.  Then he started making things like stars and planets and the earth and, oh yeah, water.  Confusing, but everyone gets the point that God was very busy for six days making everything.  Even the trees and the birds and the animals, and of course, Adam.  All that wasn’t quite enough for Adam, so God takes out a rib and makes Eve.  OK, not a bad start.

                God goes on to make two trees, one of eternal life and one of knowledge.  And not just any knowledge, this was the knowledge of good and evil, which is what kids are suppose to learn about by reading the Bible.  Apparently, God didn’t want Adam and Eve to have knowledge of what’s right and wrong and condemned them to death for eating of that fruit.  And all our problems stem from that fateful bite.  Hmmm…

                Let’s move on.  So Adam and Eve, deported from the garden, now clothed, get it on with each other and have kids.  Good ‘ol Cain and Abel are a good lesson for young boys and girls on how NOT to love your sibling.  In fact kids, I’ll make it easy on you and spell it out.  Don’t kill your brother in cold blood.  For a little extra tidbit, somewhere in this passage you’ll find that veggies get a bad rep and roasted meat smells good to God, but that will take multiple reading to pick up on.

                So meanwhile Adam and Eve have been quite busy populating the world.  Somehow all these descendants are all as mean as Cain and would have killed him too if God hadn’t branded him as his own.  There’s a moral lesson in there, I’m sure of it.  After that, things go from bad to ugly.  Maybe because people were living for hundreds and hundreds of years they got bored.  And since we all know that idle hands are the Devil’s workshop, maybe that explains why everyone was killing each other and the beautiful women were marrying some sort of angelic/extraterrestrial beings called the sons of God.  I mean, these people were so bad that God felt he had made a mistake creating men and he was pissed off.  Now being an all-powerful God, he could have just humanely put all of his creatures asleep and started over, but that wouldn’t get the point across well enough.  They were all going to drown.  Yup.  Even the babies and children—let that be a lesson unto you.  Even the critters and bugs.  All had to drown.  But don’t forget, boys and girls, there is a nice side to God , so he saved one family and two of each kind of animal that could fit in a big boat.  Wow.  What a kind God.  And if you’re good enough kids, maybe you might be one of those ever-so-few chosen ones who would be allowed on the boat.

                But all’s good, all’s good.  God makes a rainbow and promises he won’t ever get that angry again.  Or if he does, he’ll use fire rather than water to torture all those bad people.  Noah is alright with it and gets busy planting and living off of the land.  I mean heck, he’s got it nearly all to himself.  And he grows grapes, makes wine and gets drunk.  He’s so blasted he falls asleep naked in his tent.  One of his sons, Ham, walks in, gets embarrassed and walks out quietly.  Noah finds out later that Ham just left him there without covering him up and curses one of Ham’s sons.  I think kids, the lesson here is just to steer well clear of your parents’ bedroom.  You might not only get traumatized by what you see going on in there, you may even get cursed.

                Let’s move on to Abraham, one of God’s special chosen ones.  Actually, let’s not even go there.  Anyone who thinks God asking Abraham to kill his own son on an altar of fire is in fact a children’s story, needs to make an appointment with their psychologist.  Maybe a better story for kids is that of Lot.  God is having one of his chats with Abraham and mentions that he’s going to destroy the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah…not with water, of course.  Good old Abe is begging God to spare the people, but God is determined.  But since Lot was related to Abe, God sends a couple angels to rescue him and his family before Armageddon is let loose.  The angels come to Lot’s home to warn him, but unfortunately their good looks had caught the attention of all the men in the city.  Pounding on Lot’s gate, a crowd begins demanding the angels be brought out so they can have sex with them.  Lot, being the man of God that he was, knew that homosexuality was the worst of sins and provides a neat solution that not only would save his important guests, but might steer his neighbors towards a true expression of sexuality.  Here, he tells the crowd.  Have my own daughters instead.  They’re beautiful and virgins to boot.  Yup kids, that’s a real lesson of morality.  Gets right to the heart of things, wouldn’t you say.  And don’t forget Lot’s wife; curiosity killed the cat, you know.

                But maybe lessons of good and evil were starting to get through to God’s people after all.  Jacob and Esau wanted to kill each other, but they didn’t succeed.  In fact, they reconciled in the end.  Esau forgives Jacob and allows him to return to the family.  So kids forgive.  Excellent lesson.  Only, just don’t think too hard about the fact that the thieving, conniving, sneaky son gets God’s blessing and not the one who actually did the forgiving.  I guess God just favors those he has wrestling matches with.  And Jacob was blessed indeed.  A couple wives, each with an extra maidservant for Jacob’s pleasure.  Lots of sons, and even some daughters.

                One of these daughters, Dinah, goes out to visit some of her heathen friends and this dude, Shechem, falls in love at first sight and rapes her.  He enjoyed her so much he goes to Jacob and asks to have her as a wife.  Dinah’s brothers tell Shechem that being a special people that cut off the skin of the tips of their penises, they couldn’t intermarry with heathens.  Only if Shechem and all his buddies get the tidbits chopped off the ends of their penises would they let him have their sister.  Shechem and his buddies decide that this was a bargain.  However, while Shechem and company are groaning in pain wondering why the hell they ever agreed to the terms, Dinah’s brothers kill them all, take all their property including all their children and women.  Boy did they score, those clever people of God.  What’s that?  Oh yeah, the moral.  Let’s see…How about don’t talk to strangers?  And if you do get violated, make sure you get them back where it counts.

                But things weren’t so pretty within the family either.  Remember Joseph and his technicolor coat?  His brothers were going to kill him as well if Rueben hadn’t stepped in and convinced the others to just sell him off into slavery.  But this was all good because then Joseph quickly climbed the Egyptian corporate ladder and became second only to the head honcho himself.  That way, when Joseph’s family was starving, he made it possible for them to move to Egypt and stay alive.  That was a good thing, except that a couple hundred years later, having been fruitful and multiplying, the Israelites were now the slave force of the Egyptians.  And afraid of their numbers, the Pharaoh was killing all the baby Israelite boys.  Kids, don’t kill baby boys.  Anyways, Moses gets spared, grows up, kills an Egyptian and runs for his life.  Years later he comes back.

                Let my people go! Moses says.  NO! says Pharaoh and Moses starts turning water to blood, summoning a butt load of bugs and frogs and hail and boils.  And for the big finale, the angel of God kills all the first-born sons of anyone who didn’t know to put blood on their doorway.  Kids, have you learned anything about killing babies yet?  Our nation’s moral fiber depends on it.  So Pharaoh, grief-stricken, tells Moses to get the hell out of there with his people.  But later, with a clearer head, Pharaoh realizes that he just lost his economic advantage and goes after Moses to get his slaves back.  Moses parts the Red Sea and it closes over the pursuing Egyptians.  Yeah!  Got them good those darn slave owners. 

                Turns out, however, the former slaves don’t really like their freedom and bitch and complain to Moses the entire 40 years that they wandered around in the desert.  But it turns out to be worth it in the end.  God leads the Israelites to some nice real estate and tells them how this ethnic group has really pissed him off.  In fact, remember Ham not covering Noah’s inebriated nudity?  Well these were his darn descendants.  So God’s willing to make a deal.  If the Israelites kill and cleanse all these heathens, by Jove, they can have the land.  Just keep calling me God and don’t even think of marrying anyone from that other group unless they cut the tidbit off the end of their penises.  So down come the walls of Jericho and in come the Israelites to their promised land.  A good lesson in morals and a prime example of how Scripture can inform our foreign policy. 

                Once the Israelites have staked out their territory, the Bible really gets juicy.  Read it for yourselves, kids.  There’s lots more murder and sex.  Other cool stuff too, like a prophet killing tons of bad guys with a donkey jawbone.  And speaking of Samson, check out how many bad guys he killed when he committed suicide.  And don’t forget everyone’s favorite, David.  Even as a little guy he killed and beheaded big bad guys.  A great soap opera there with that King and his harp.  Murder.  Adultery.  More murder.  More adultery.  Unless you’re Solomon, of course.  Then you just marry everyone you lay eyes on.  With 700 wives and 300 concubines, he took those ten commandments to heart and never committed adultery.  Well, except for maybe that Queen of Sheba.  Oh, and kids, you’ll love the story where the woman drives a tent stake straight through the guys head while he’s sleeping.  A real woman of God. 

                But I’ll let you find those treasures on your own.  Because reading these stories and committing them to your heart will teach you what is right and wrong.  And just to help you along, let me try and sum it up.  You see all these guys and gals killing and sleeping with each other.  Don’t do that.  That’s bad.  Amen.